Any Major Dude With Half A Heart

This year it’s the 1980s in Any Major Dude’s yulecastle (following the 1950s, 1960s and 1970s), with the obvious and lesser known Christmas songs represented.

It was a debate whether or not to leave out Fairytale Of New York or Last Christmas, but how could it be a 1980s Christmas without them. One ’80s Christmas song not featuring here, however, is the best-selling of them all: Do They Know It’s Christmas. Good intentions aside, the lyrics are atrociously condescending. Do the people of Ethiopia know it’s Christmas? Given that Christianity in Ethiopia precedes the evangelisation of most of Europe, I think they do.

But Do They Know It’s Christmas reminds me of this following, doubtless true story.

It was one year around Christmas time, U2 had lined up a series of enormous charity gigs. They got together on the day of the first gig to soundcheck and Bono noticed that The Edge was looking a bit sickly. “What’s the matter, The Edge?” Bono asked The Edge.

“Ah, look, it’s nothing, Bono,” the guitarist replied. “It’s just… you know that Japanese promotional tour we did last week, right? I think I picked up something. It might be some kind of flu, but I’m feeling pretty bad.”

“Well, The Edge,” replied Bono, “if you want to pull out of the gigs, you just say so.” But The Edge shook his head. “No! No way Bono. These gigs are important. Think of the children, not my aching guts.”

“Aye, that’s the spirit, The Edge,” said Bono. That night U2 took to the stage. They play all the hits and the crowd was well into it. For a big climax, because it’s for charity and it’s around Christmas, they performed “Do They Know It’s Christmas”. Bono was emoting, Adam was running basslines, Larry was merrily drumming along. Suddenly The Edge begun feeling very ill indeed. He turned, dropped his guitar, and started running towards the back of the stage. But he didn’t quite make it and threw up all over Larry Mullen Jr and his drumkit.

“Jaysis, The Edge!” Larry yelled. “My brand-new drums!” The Edge was mortified. “Eh, sorry Larry, I couldn’t help myself. It’s this flu, you know.”

Next night The Edge was back up there on stage, riffing away. The gig was going really well, but then as “Do They Know It’s Christmas” started, The Edge began to feel sick again. He started to run off the stage but to no avail. As he got to the bassplayer’s spot, he puked all over Adam Clayton.

“Me best leather waistcoat,” wailed Adam Clayton. The Edge, you’re more beast than man!” The Edge apologised profusely but Bono was furious after the gig. “The Edge, you’ve gone too far this time. I’ve just been on the phone to Sting, he can take your place tomorrow.”

The Edge was almost in tears. “Please, Bono no, this gig means so much to me. It’s for the children. I know I’ve got it all out my system now. I’ll be fine tomorrow, I promise, you have to let me play.”

‘OK, The Edge, one last chance,” Bono said. “But I warn you, any more antics like the last two nights, then that’s it, you’re out of U2.” The Edges promised to be good.

The Edge, recovering from a bad flu, and Bonzo.

The next day The Edge took lots of vitamins and come evening he was feeling fine. The gig was amazing, even Discotheque was sounding alright. Bono was pleased, Adam’s new waistcoast looked good, Larry’s drums were clean, The Edge was happy.

They started Do They Know It’s Christmas, and Bono moved over to stand shoulder to shoulder with his pal and really belted the tune out.

Suddenly The Edge didn’t feel too good. His face was contorting, he struggled manfully, but it was no use. He turns to Bono with a look of desperation and suddenly hacked up an enormous greenie right into Bono’s face.

The song stopped. The Edge is paralysed with horror. “Bono, I can explain, I’m truly sorry, you can’t believe how sorry I am.

Bono wiped the snot off, turned to Edge and said: “Well, tonight thank God it’s phlegm instead of spew.”

On that note: HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS!

As ever, the mix is timed to fit on a standard CD-R and includes home-grogged covers. PW in comments.

1. Bruce Springsteen – Santa Claus Is Coming To Town (1985)
2. Bryan Adams – Christmas Time (1985)
3. Vince Vance & The Valiants – All I Want For Christmas Is You (1989)
4. Ramones – Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want To Fight Tonight) (1987)
5. The Waitresses – Christmas Wrapping (1981)
6. Prince and the Revolution – Another Lonely Christmas (1984)
7. Gap Band – This Christmas (1984)
8. Alexander O’Neal – My Gift To You (1988)
9. Ray Charles – That Spirit Of Christmas (1985)
10. The Pogues with Kirsty MacColl – Fairytale Of New York (1987)
11. Pretenders – 2000 Miles (1983)
12. Fay Lovsky – Christmas Was A Friend Of Mine (1981)
13. Chris Rea – Driving Home For Christmas (1986)
14. Queen – Thank God It’s Christmas (1984)
15. Wham! – Last Christmas (1984)
16. Mavis Staples – Christmas Vacation (1989)
17. Ray Parker Jr. – Christmas Time Is Here (1984)
18. Run DMC – Christmas In Hollis (1987)
19. Max Headroom – Merry Christmas Santa Claus (1986)
20. Shakin’ Stevens – Merry Christmas Everyone (1985)

GET IT! or HERE!

More Christmas Mixes
Any Major Christmas Favourites
Any Major 1980s Christmas
Any Major 1970s Christmas
Any Major 1960s Christmas
Any Major 1950s Christmas
Christmas Mix, Not For Mother
Any Major X-Mas Mix
Any Major Christmas Pop Vol. 1
Any Major Christmas Pop Vol. 2
Any Major Christmas Carols (in pop)
Any Major Christmas Bells
Any Major Smooth Christmas Vol. 1
Any Major Smooth Christmas Vol. 2
Any Major Christmas Soul Vol. 1
Any Major Christmas Soul Vol. 2
Any Major Christmas Soul Vol. 3
Any Major Doop Wop Christmas
Any Major Rhythm & Blues Christmas
Any Major Country Christmas Vol. 1
Any Major Country Christmas Vol. 2
Any Major Acoustic Christmas
Christmas In Black & White Vol. 1
Christmas In Black & White Vol. 2
Christmas In Black & White Vol. 3
Song Swarm: Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer

Or all in one place