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Mr Ben Folds: A retraction & apology

October 10th, 2008 Leave a comment Go to comments

Dear Mr Folds,

On various platforms and in private communications, I prematurely passed judgment on the merits of your new long-player entitled Way To Normal. Having exposed myself further to the artistry contained therein, I wish to retract my earlier judgment and assure you that I have identified points of merits which have enhanced immeasurably my pleasure in your long-player.

Your musical interlude titled “Cologne” in particular is entirely agreeable and expressive of affecting profundities. The very amusing story concerning your unfortunate mishap in the city of Hiroshima is sufficiently mirthful as to have caused me the sensation of Schadenfreude of a such a nature which may call to mind one Master Nelson Muntz, resident of Springfield. I should however counsel you that a young bewigged English piano player whose name momentarily escapes me has seen it suitable to plagiarise certain aspects of your composition. Doubtless you shall invoke the full force of the law against the impertinent young man so as to deter any further infringements on your intellectual property.

Its exotic title notwithstanding, Dr Yang is a delightful song, and I wish you much success in your endeavour to become a lesbian. Be assured that many manly men share your desires in this regard. I do, however, object to your proposed notion that the Almighty may disrespectfully “laugh” at my football team. As a gloryhunter of high repute, I believe to be correct when I suggest that our Heavenly Father is an ardent Manchester United supporter Himself. Moreover, it is a matter of public record that the late Holy Father Pope John Paul II of beloved memory was a member of the German club FC Schalke 04, who most decidedly have in their history given no cause to suggest fitness for ridicule of any kind.

I furthermore regret and apologise for having mistaken your song “Free Coffee” for “utter fucking shit”, as I initially might have spat in a rare exhibition of uncouth language on my part. While I maintain that my initial reaction was correct, I realize, upon much reflection, that the disagreeable noises that accompany said song are so at your full intent. It surely is not possible that a gentleman and scholar of your towering mastery would perpetrate such gross injury on the listener’s senses coincidentally. Sir, I bow before your satirical genius.

I shall keep my letter of retraction and apology brief, Mr Folds, so as to permit me further pleasure in the company of your of lately highly esteemed long-player. Suffice it to say that I have now been brainwashed. You cunt.

Yours etc,
Major (ret) Dude W.H.A.H.


And with that out of the way, here is my Top 10 of Ben Folds songs. They are all works of genius, of course, and the order is unimportant (and I feel bad for the songs that fell outside the top 10). Narcolepsy tops the list at the moment ““ at other times Luckiest, Best Imitation, the criminally neglected All You Can Eat, Gone and Landed have been “my favourite Ben Folds song”. And the live recording of Trusted from Berlin is quite brilliant. The uninitiated might be reluctant to download a song called Narcolepsy. And it does lack the jauntiness and witty lyrics of many other Folds songs. But it captures the feeling of emotional disonance ““ a subject not often treated in pop ““ very well. A quite stunning song.

Narcolepsy.mp3 (from Ben Folds Live, 2002)
Trusted.mp3 (Live in Berlin, 2005)
Brick.mp3 (from Ben Folds Five, 1997)
The Luckiest.mp3 (from Rockin’ The Suburbs, 2001)
Best Imitation Of Myself.mp3 (from Ben Folds Live, 2002)
All You Can Eat.mp3 (Live in Berlin, 2005)
Landed.mp3 (from Songs For Silverman, 2004)
Gone.mp3 (from Rockin’ The Suburbs, 2001)
Fred Jones Part 2.mp3 (from Summerstage in NYC, 2004)
Rockin” The Suburbs (live).mp3 (from Songs for Goldfish EP, 2005)

and how about the covers?
Get Your Hands Off My Woman.mp3
Bitches Ain’t Shit (live on 3fm).mp3
Careless Whispers (live in NYC with with Rufus Wainwright).mp3

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  1. Uncle E
    October 12th, 2008 at 22:08 | #1

    Narcolepsy has been my favorite Folds song since The Unauthorized…was released. Ben does Queen bombast very well don’t you think? The Ascent Of Stan has risen to the #2 slot of late.And hey, loved the letter. Clearly the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Thanks for the chuckle.

  2. Beth
    October 14th, 2008 at 21:00 | #2

    Not keen on Rockin’ the Suburbs, but I’m not going to argue with the rest, although you’ve probably got a different top ten by today…but as far as covers goes – no Such Great Heights??? What were you thinking!!!http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=4KI78874qbU

  3. Anonymous
    October 4th, 2009 at 23:11 | #3

    u cant fuck with ben folds lol

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