Songs of Adultery
The theme song for infidelity, Your Cheating Heart, will feature in another instalment, so we will have to do with this bunch of adulterers (all but one men) and the people they”ve hurt (all but one of them women).
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Hello Saferide – Last Bitter Song.mp3
Annika Norlin has been cheated on with a thin blonde “with a peanut for a brain and volleyballs for chest”. Worse yet, the dude did the dirty deed “with Miss Non-Bitterness” in her apartment. But, bastard dumped, Annika is getting over it by way of carthasis: “Now, this will be the last bitter song. It will be my last, real bitter song about you.” She will find new themes: “From now on, I”ll write about flowers and butterflies, chickens and kittens and shit.” And she”ll “try to find someone who knows I exist”. Which is the best kind of therapy. And, look, it”s working: “I”m feeling cheerful already. I”d like to break his neck, if I may. But most, I”d like to cut off that hair, and cut off that head, and cut off those volleyballs, and I hope she gets her heart broken, and I hope she turns bitter, really really bitter ““ like me.”
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Jim Reeves – He”ll Have To Go.mp3
Oh, what a set-up. Jim is on the phone with his woman, who presently is in the company of another man. Reeves has her on the phone, establishing a sense of intimacy and communicating instant forgiveness: “Put your sweet lips a little closer to the phone, let”s pretend that we”re together all alone. I”ll tell the man to turn the juke box way down low”. And then he goes for the jugular: “And you can tell your friend there with you he”ll have to go.” He wants an answer now though: “Though love is blind, make up your mind. I”ve got to know ““ should I hang up or will you tell him he”ll have to go?” No whining, nor sulking, nor recriminations. Make up your mind, woman, and when you do, of course he”ll have to go.
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Nicole Atkins – Kill The Headlight.mp3
Jim Reeves is willing to trust again, but that commodity is extinct when Nicole”s man cheats on her. “I know you and you are bound to stray. It”s a foul of men ““ they swear that they”ll never hurt you again, then give their best shots”, but if that is to no avail, “my heart you won”t have it again, so just don”t try.” The relationship will not be healed and it will be over. There won”t be a point in trying to mend it: “Don”t pull over, just kill the headlights.”
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Carrie Underwood – Before He Cheats.mp3
Where Nicole Atkins won”t give second chances, Carrie Underwood doesn”t even let it get as far as that. Acting merely on suspicion, she gets her revenge in before the act. “Right now, she”s probably up singing some white-trash version of Shania karaoke. Right now, she”s probably saying, “˜I”m drunk”, and he”s thinking that he”s gonna get lucky. Right now, he”s probably dabbing on three dollars worth of that bathroom cologne.” So, just in case her imagination corresponds with reality, Carrie has “dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four-wheel-drive, carved my name into his leather seat. I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights, slashed a hole in all four tires.” That should teach him to even think of cheating. He also might forget about keeping pet rabbits.
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It is fair to presume that the beautiful Kelis will not take back the perfidious scoundrel who cheated on her. She is not well disposed towards him, as the line “I hate you so much right now” may suggest. But, from Kelis” side of the story, one empathises with her. What she didn”t do for him? “Held you when you were sick, even sucked your dick” (which, if both ministrations were performed simultaneously, would require soundtracking by Marvin Gaye”s last big hit). Now it”s revenge time on the lying swine. Going one better on Carrie, “I”ll set your truck to flames, and watch it blow up.” Then comes the taunt: “Tell me: How you go”n see her now?” Aaaaaaarrrrgh!!!!!
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Smokey Robinson & the Miracles – Ooh Baby Baby.mp3
Smokey is the prince of broken hearts. And here, the heartache is of his own making. He cheated and got dumped. “I did you wrong. My heart went out to play, but in the game I lost you. What a price to pay! Hey I”m crying.” Now he tearfully wants her back: “I”m just about at the end of my rope, but I can”t stop trying. I can”t give up hope, “cause I feel that one day I”ll hold you near, whisper “˜I still love you”.” In the interim, “until that day is here ““ I”m crying.” Would you take him back?
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I could have chosen any number of versions of Jolene, from Dolly Parton”s original to the delightful Strawberry Switchblade version. It is heartbreaking how the singer humbles herself before the beautiful Jolene, with her ivory skin, emerald eyes and smile “like a breath of spring”. She knows she has lost her man, who keeps saying Jolene”s name in his sleep. Her only hope is that Jolene might dump him, and so she appeals for her rival”s mercy (and, possibly, self-sacrifice). There”s some point-missing going on: “You could have your choice of men, but I could never love again. He”s the only one for me, Jolene. I had to have this talk with you. My happiness depends on you .”
But what if Jolene truly loves the man too. She might well attract another one, but will it be mutual love? Perhaps she won”t ever be able to love again too. And might the singer not be deluding herself that being with a man who doesn”t love her will be an arrangement conducive to “happiness”? The poor sap has no say in the matter, of course. He is being traded like a piece of meat whose feelings are immaterial. But then, being a man, he might appreciate not being forced to make a liver-curdlingly difficult decision.
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Shirley Brown – Woman To Woman.mp3
Barbara Mason – From His Woman To You.mp3
Shirley phones Barbara to warn her off her “old man”. “It”s only fair that I let you know that the man you”re in love with ““ he”s mine.” Not only does she pay for his clothes and car, but she “loves that man”. And, like Jolene, Barbara is being asked to end it for the sake of her lover”s wife. “Woman to woman, if you”ve ever been in love, then you know how I feel. And, woman to woman, now, if you were in my shoes, wouldn”t you have done the same thing too.” So she warns: “I ain”t gonna let you break up my happy home.”
Happy? Really? Barbara responds to that in her own song, and it doesn”t look like Shirley”s begging and threats have had any effect, as the title already proclaims. She might not be above to satisfy his material needs, but she can give what he really wants: “I can give him love”. As far as Barbara is concerned, the nameless sap has already made his choice and his bed: “He spent last night with me, where he wanted to be.” So the guy has the choice between a woman with whom he has great sex and a wife who provides all the material comforts. Knowing that Mason”s lyrics were written by a man, how do you think the story will end?
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